It's 6 am and I'm in bed thinking about my day. It's going to be a crap day, the weather is windy so all the children at my kindergarten will be climbing the walls. The unit leader is coming out today to talk to me, it's probably a complaint but I'll be damned if I know what I've done, I just know how it will all go, how am I going to defend myself? I'll say this, she'll say that, I'll say this back..yep that's what I'll do.Man, I SOOO do not want to go to work. :(
It's 3 pm and I have to call the school but I don't want to do it because I sound like an idiot on the phone and if I get the answering machine I'll end up just making everyone laugh at how stupid I sound.
I really want to learn how to swim but I'm so uncoordinated, besides I'm afraid of water, I'm not the sporty one in the family, some people just know how to swim I won't be able to be taught because I just have something wrong with me when it comes to learning that stuff.
Every day, every hour many of us have a conversation similar to ourselves....negative, bitchy, hateful, defeating. Seriously, if there was a person standing beside me saying those things to my face I'd be avoiding them as much as possible, if they said it to my friend, then I'd be telling them where to go. Why would I want to hang around someone who just makes me feel bad about myself?
Each of those stories are just a story. Fiction. Not an ounce of truth in any of them. Planning my day to be a disaster? Well that was yesterday. Yes it was windy but the children were fantastic. Who told me they wouldn't? Where was the fact in that? The Unit Leader did come out but it was for a visit, nothing more. Why did I believe someone had complained about me? Did I have any evidence to prove that?
In fact, where was the truth in ANY of those things that have gone through my head? Who said I sound like an idiot on the phone? Where is the proof I am uncoordinated? I can drive a car, play a violin, run, clap my hands....they all require coordination.
We all tell ourselves stories....constantly. We have a running reel in our heads narrating what we have done, are doing, or will do. But like all good storytellers, it isn't always quite true. It gets embellished, made dramatic and then we accept it as truth without evidence. It's a bit like re writing history to suit the current dictator or political/religous agenda. If the person in charge is a negative tyrant, then things will get warped to fit.
The one way around that is to look for the evidence and the facts. WHO has said I always stuff things up? Is their opinion worthy? Asking questions to test negative thought patterns nearly always gives me the realisation that noone has said that to me, it was just another self defeating thought and not worth listening.
So I think for me it's time to switch from telling myself 'stories' and instead tell myself 'news headlines' based on research. Time to test the negative words and put some honesty into my thinking.
Being truthful or honest is not just in my dealings with other people, it is in dealings and conversations with myself. It is in every word I say to myself in my head.
If I was to live truly honestly, I could achieve amazing things. We all could.