Finding Phyllis.

 I have struggled with negative self talk for a long long time. It's debilitating, when the hate or the bullying I experience actually comes from my own head.  You know the voice that says " You can't do that" or " You aren't good enough". I have tried so many different methods....stopping the negative thoughts consciously, replacing with positive but what I was turning back into positive thought just didn't sound really believable to me.  I tried meditation, reading positive and motivating books, making gratitude lists, the lot.

 And I would be okay for a while and then crash in a heap again....and again....and again.

A very good friend, Silvana, pointed out one day that it sounded just like a bully and she wished she could stand up to the bully in my mind. It got me thinking about it and she was completely right.  That voice in my head that puts me down, makes me feel like dirt and stops me from achieving IS a bully. A self opinionated, arrogant, critical bully. And what is the best way to defeat a bully?

Stand up to them.

In fairytales, if someone knows your REAL name, they have power over you. A REAL name in fairytales is what defines you as what you are, what you do, what you believe.

Naming something takes the mystery away from it, giving a definition to something takes away the fear of the unknown. When my children were sick as small babies, I would worry until I saw the doctor, who could  diagnose, (ultimately name and define) what the problem was and then we could take steps to make them healthy again or understand it.

  Well I decided to name the bully voice, Phyllis. (No offense to any other Phyllis out there) It's great finally knowing her name, and finding out her name conjured up a mental image to go with it.

Knowing the name and what she looks like now, makes it SO much easy to stop her. Our 'conversations' go somewhat along these lines...

Phyllis: "You are completely useless, you do realise that, you selfish cow.  Why can't you do something constructive....and properly instead of the half assed effort you put into everything."

Me: "Shut up Phyllis"

Phyllis: "How very DARE you?! Look, you can't even lift as heavy as that chick over there, so why embarrass yourself further by going to gym? You are just a fool. No wonder no one likes you"

Me: "Shut up Phyllis"

Phyllis: "Don't you tell me to shut...."

ME : " Shut up Phyllis"