Week 5, rollercoaster ride

I don't know if I could have had much higher highs or lower lows this week.  Still not quite sure where I've ended up!

Menu Plans

MMMMM  new recipes!!!   A crustless baked blueberry cheesecake ( drool drool drool) was the winner, but at only 110 calories, I reckon you could add a little biscuit like a Marie biscuit to the base if you wanted a crust feel.  Troy's favourite, the delicious steak sandwich for lunch.  So quick and easy to make!  Although it did leave a hankering for an icy cold beer to accompany it.

Junior masterchefs are on holidays so have been hanging around the kitchen like bad smells.  The Cacao fudge bites have been keeping them happy!  Think I might have to make up a batch of the banana cake to keep them satisfied for the next week!

Exercise Plans

What a week!  My mental strength just was not here.  I was falling more and more into depression and struggled to see the light of day most days. It was a supreme effort to even shower and get out of PJs.  I was getting into a bad way. At this point I have to say thanks to TRAD ( Tracey Dunn) just having the opportunity to have a few 'words' with you electronically, helped me realise I am not as alone as I feel.

Now two other things have been helping me. Troy and our habit of going to gym.  While at gym and working out, I'd start despairing and feeling like I had no hope for anything in the world, halfway through things were looking up and I'd finish feeling like I had at least accomplished something.  I did a few classes this weekend, and managed to outlast a fatburner class doing a plank...the instructor called time just after 3 mins and it was only Troy and I left standing....I mean " planking!" This was after 30 mins of CX Works and an hour high intensity cardio circuit!  Literally, shook all over leaving class and still have a few tremors now :) Great morale boost!

PERSONAL BESTS FOR THE WEEK!

Barbell squat                 55 kgs!!!!!!!!!  Thats up 20 kgs in 4 months and over my body weight by 6 kgs :)
Leg extension machine   32.3 kgs
Lateral raises                 6 kgs
Lat pulldown machine   41 kgs
Dumbell flys                 10 kgs
Dumbell rows               12.5 kgs
Reverse flys                      7.5 kgs   
Seated tricep pushdown    32 kgs
Bicep cable curls               32
tricep kickbacks dumbells  6kgs
Hammer curls                    8kgs
Chest press dumbells         12.5 kgs
Bent over row barbell        25kgs
Mid cable flys                    18 kgs
Adductor machine              57 kgs
Abductor machine              43 kgs  

I'm planning on introducing deadifts this week with my PT, and bringing in some more cardio too.

Reflection

I have come to 2 realisations this week.  One liberating, one saddening but presenting a good opportunity.

First of all, part of the spiral downward I have been experiencing over the past couple of weeks is the overwhelming feeling I'm not good enough.  So at a 3 am contemplation/insomnia session, I thought it through.  Why do I think I'm not good enough? Because I'm not the best.  Why do I think I'm not doing my best?  Because I won't win.  What won't I win?  The Lean and Strong award for this round. Why would this make me feel like a failure?  Because I feel like a wasted my time, that it's been for nothing, that I have no value.
Now this is where I administered a damn good mental slap upside the head.

HOW BLOODY RIDICULOUS!

Time for some new questions.  Why did I start the 12 week transformation?  To lose weight and be healthier. Why be healthier?  Because I was pre diabetic, had high blood pressure and cholesterol readings and was worried I would have a stroke like my mother and not be able to enjoy my kids, or my life. I didn't want to be reliant on medication or have to inject myself for the rest of my life. What is the main lesson I learned from the 12 WBT?  That it's not for 12 weeks, it's for LIFE.

Well tick that box!  All problems are gone with the excess weight I lost.  I also gained confidence in myself, a healthier family and whole new lease on life. I am able to do so much MORE!

So why did I start Lean and Strong?  I wanted to get more muscle definition.  I wanted to increase my strength and look damn good in tight clothes...well you tell me the measure of my success....

So, the destructive perfectionist cycle has been put on hold, I have a whole new focus, a new energy to get into the gym and do what I'm doing for the reasons I started and not for some stupid perfectionist voice in my head.

The other realisation I came to, a saddening one, is that I am losing some friends. I feel a little grief at that but again, at my internal pyschiatrist 3am appointment time, I saw it less for the grief and more for the opportunity.  We all meet friends, become friends and then drift away at different points in our lives.  We are richer for the other's company but there comes a time when everyone parts ways, however gently and however much we may grieve over it at the time.  But the opportunity hidden in that is to make new friends, people who share your values and dreams right now, those who support and laugh with you, sometimes at you but never to spite you.  Whole new worlds open up with each new friend.  I am ready for some new horizons and to re visit familiar lands with my old friends who are still with me.

Finally...your weekly injection of awesome....